Recently after my mini spiritual awakening I decided to get some Christian tunes on my spotify. I'm rather ashamed to admit that I didn't have any Christian music anywhere on it and not really any on my iTunes either in the past year. After fleeing the great and terrible mega church I was going to last year I found myself seriously fed up with a lot of songs, I guess I associated them with bad memories. Now I found myself with very few limits, nobody helped me make this playlist so I didn't have anybody hovering over my shoulder telling me to get this or that, it was just me and the tunes. I mentioned this in my previous entry but apparently my taste in worship tends to lean more towards punk rock. Relient K, some Stellar Kart, Hawk Nelson, that kinda old school stuff. I dunno why but I find myself kinda drawn to it, I love how it sort of aggressively proclaims all about the love of God. Now I do like more chilled out stuff, I really dig old Newsboys song from back before they changed their lead singer, The Afters are cool as well. And just in general I tend to listen to more relaxed music, but with worship I guess I tend to like something that really gets my blood pumping, especially since slower song in the Christian category tend to be a little mournful. I love how these songs acknowledge both how sucky life is and how awesome God can make it. And also they're not afraid to say how even with God on your side it ain't all sunshine and fun times. The unfortunate part of my rediscovery of this stuff is that right now this kind of music is dead as a doornail. Seriously, what happened to Christian music? When did it become all oohing and ahhing and comparing God to stupid stuff like rocks and fire? I remember one of the last times I went to my old church and they played this one song that declared "THE ROCK WON'T MOVE!" about 50 times and being the sarcastic little crud that I am I leaned over to my friend and whispered, "This is the most inspirational song about Dwayne Johnson I've ever heard". Let me tell you we started cackling. I know, it was an awful thing to do, especially right there in the middle of church. Trust me, I've asked God's forgiveness on that one. I just don't understand when worship became so generic. I'm not trying to be cool or modern here either, I think the old hymns from way way back in the day are just dandy if you play with the arrangement a little. The lyrics actually used to mean something. I know the world isn't perfect and my vision for a church where maxi skirts for girls and plaid button downs for guys aren't a mandatory dress code that'll get you funny looks if you don't obey isn't realistic, but it's something to try for, man. I mean, how're things supposed to get better if we don't try and change them? I'm not saying it's wrong to dress this way, that you're not allowed to like your Starbucks and get excited when a new Hillsong CD comes out. But the thing of it is that a lot of people right now tend to believe that's how Christians are SUPPOSED to be, and that you're wrong or weird or somehow less holy if you aren't. I personally believe that if you're a Christian the only one you're supposed to be like is Jesus. I don't know how this became a rant about the church's attack of the clones, but my point is that you should never feel bad for just being yourself. No matter what you wear or where you drink your coffee Jesus loves you. That's gonna be it for now, guys. Until next time. Much Love, Gabby
Today my muse is not with me but I still want to write so I shall make a list of some random things I have learned recently.
1. When you buy Haribro gummy bears the green ones are apparently strawberry and not lime. The red ones are raspberry.
2. You should never buy anything in Times Square because even a sweet tea from Mickey D's costs an insane amount of money, so instead you should go "around the corner" to a little pizza place called Mario's. I overheard a guy telling his friend this while I was waiting for a pizza.
3. According to my brother my Matthew McConaughey impression sounds like Forrest Gump.
4. There is a fun punk rock cover of Do Want To Build A Snowman by Stellar Kart and a depressing not punk rock one by Jasmine Thompson.
5. The choreographers for Mary Poppins were a married couple. How sweet is that?
6. Apparently you have a better chance of getting a manga published in Japan than winning the lottery.
7. Also apparently my taste in Christian music tends to lean more toward punk rock or old school.
8. I did not learn what my friend Grace's belated birthday gift to me is (but I think I know).
That's gonna be it for now, gang. Hopefully I'll have another proper entry up soon. Much Love, Gabby
The temperature has plummeted and so have my spirits. Winter's got me down, gang. I am very much ready for spring. I live on a lake so the wind makes this creepy whistling sound and it's like I'm in The Secret Garden or something. Now I've never really been down with the tropics, the beach just isn't my scene; but I've got dreams, dear readers, and they mainly happen somewhere warm and sunny. Despite the fact that my days have been lazy and uneventful I find myself in desperate need of a vacation. On these gloomy days my head and heart are up north in Disney world. The parks give me that extra shot of Disney magic to recharge my soul, ya know? I can be dog tired but as soon as I'm on Main Street I'm dancing and skipping and making a total fool of myself (and not caring at all because I'm having the time of my life). Orlando is of course colder than my home base but there's plenty of fun stuff to distract you from the mind numbing cold and soul sucking darkness. I would love to tell you that there's a beacon of hope at the end of this tunnel, that a trip to the happiest place on earth is shining in the distance, but alas, there is only me bopping around in the metaphorical tunnel. So here I am, with the days passing quickly and the nights crawling by slowly as a turtle with gum on its feet. That's gonna be it for now, gang. A whole entry just to complain! Until next time, guys. Much Love, Gabby
People don't tend to think that we have winter down here in Florida, I've had a friend describe it as "The Australia of America", but we do. My mom informed me before she went to bed that it's supposed to get down to the 40s! I dunno what it is right now but man, it's cold. Now, people are kinda right about Florida, we don't get a true and proper winter, just little bursts of it here and there. Lemme tell ya something though, I live in a beach town and while my base of operations isn't real close to the ocean (I think we're like a 15 minute drive, I could be wrong though) we still get some serious coldness blowing in. I don't like the chilly weather, gang. It makes me achy, my skin gets real dry, my lips chap, it ain't pretty. So during the colder months you can find me under a blanket decked out in full winter wear. The up side to this is that while I have some hermit time (I'm actually usually a hermit anyways, but this is hardcore hermit stuff) I've actually pole vaulted my reading block with several feet to spare, that is to say I got over it. Mainly I've read comics but I still feel accomplished. Three Avatar comics, three volumes of Kekkaishi, and one middle grade fantasy later I'm kicking back a bit because I done good. I finally started on rereading a series of books that I mentioned in a previous entry because I got the last one for Christmas. The book I'm currently on is called My Name Is Chloe by Melody Carlson, it's a Christian fiction about a high school girl who ends up finding God and starting a band along the way. It's much cooler than I make it sound and if you're a Christian teenage girl I consider it a must read. I've read this book several times over the years and it's really held up. I still find it incredibly encouraging and find the protagonist Chloe to be a very real and relatable character. Even though she finds God she still questions things, she still has her doubts. But she really keeps the faith, and honestly she inspires me more than a lot of sermons I've sat through. The writing in this book is great, it's written as Chloe's diary so it feels sorta like reading a letter instead of the usual detached third person I don't tend to like in realistic books, instead of reading about how our leading lady was feeling you have her telling you straight up and it's really refreshing. Now I had started reading this book just before I wrote my last entry all about my relationship with God and it's a little weird because yesterday was Friday the 13th and in the book Chloe becomes a Christian on Friday the 13th. I found that to be an interesting coincidence. While this book does make me feel better and less lost it also leaves me feeling a little empty too, I seriously wish I had a home church and some friends to talk about these things with. It's not that I don't have friends or that they wouldn't hear me out about these things, it's just that two of the live out of state and my oldest friend who lives down here has a lot on her plate and doesn't live too nearby so I don't get to see her so much, and they're all crazy busy to boot. I miss youth group, I miss jamming to worship and hearing a sermon I actually agreed with (another reason I left my old church, I won't go into details but my personal beliefs clashed with what they were preaching). I know, I'm probably right at the age where they'd kick me out into "adult church", but honestly I feel a lot younger than I am in certain ways...And then in other ways I'm more mature than most kids my age...So yeah, that's the struggle and it's very much real. Is it completely cheesy to liken my present situation to the cold weather? How it makes me feel tired and brittle and beat up? Despite my mini spiritual awakening last night I haven't really sat down and properly prayed, I've sorta been conversating with God at random times, talking to him about the weather and things like reading and my writing, asking him to help this person or that person. Quite honestly I'm not sure what to ask for, I'm not sure which words would go together best to express what I'm looking for. I know he knows my heart, that he knows exactly what I need, but I just wish he'd point me in the right direction. I also wish talking to him was easier. I don't think there's really anything wrong per say with praying in a more casual way, I mean, I'm talking to him. I'm trying to lay my burdens down as the bible instructs. I just wish he'd show me how to iron the crinkles proverbial tee shirt of my life. Maybe he's trying, if so I wish he'd be a little more clear. This is the kinda stuff I wish I had a friend or possibly a pastor to talk about with. I mean, I get that God's the one with the answers but I also know he uses people to help steer us down the right path and all that. Wouldn't it be groovy if when we gave our hearts over to the lord we got a spiritual GPS? That probably sounds totally stupid but I think it'd be great. If you're wondering what my point is there isn't one, please see my first entry where I warn about rantings and ramblings on this blog. I think that's gonna be it for now, gang. Until next time. Much Love, Gabby
Lately I've been thinking about wishes a lot. Wishes are an odd concept, we pour out our hearts desires to things like birthday candles, and eyelashes, stars that are both shooting and stationary...Heck, I even have a cousin who told me she makes a wish every time she wears a necklace and has to readjust it. My birthday was last month and I found myself wishing for just plain happiness and for everything to be okay, whatever "okay" implies. I've never truly believed that blowing out candles or sending dandelion puffs flying or anything like that had any real effect on my life, and yet here I am at around 6 AM with this subject pressing on my mind. As a Christian I know I shouldn't be putting my faith in of this world things to get somewhere, I should take my needs to God, I should pour out my heart to him, lay my burden at his feet; all that other stuff in old hymns and Psalms that got turned into Hillsong chart-toppers. But I don't. Truth be told I have serious communication issues when it comes to God. I know I probably haven't mentioned my beliefs before now, and I really should have. Instead of looking to books and things to free me of my problems I should be going straight to God like I've been brought up to. But I don't. Now I've been an official Christian Christian since age 5 when I said a little prayer giving my heart to Jesus on a car ride to the beach, but I've never really been the best at talking to him. In stressful times I've often felt like I'm screaming at the ceiling or that my prayers are falling on deaf ears. I've questioned why Jesus has let certain things happen...But I really and truly believe in him. I don't expect any comments like this but I don't want anyone telling me that what I believe is wrong or saying I should put my faith in something else. I believe in God, and sometimes I do have my doubts, but I have to remind myself that he doesn't want things things to happen to me, they just do. I feel like since God is the king of everything and I'm his child it's like I'm in a novel; I'm the princess who circumstance has been left in a bad situation separated from her father and the world is doing everything it can to keep us apart. I think part of the disconnect I'm feeling has to do with the fact that I'm churchless at the moment. I left the one I'd been going to since I could remember last year because they got too commercial for my liking and I didn't feel like the youth group was the right fit for me (to be honest it felt a bit toxic, but that's high school for ya), and now that my parents go to a different church that's smaller I don't feel it's the right fit for me either. Our old church got too big for me, I felt like just another sit filled, like the place had outgrown me. This new church (which isn't actually new, my parents have been going since last summer) feels a bit...off. If that makes any sense. But yeah, I haven't really been to church since I left youth group almost exactly a year ago. I feel that a good church is really important, I need to find somewhere I can be comfortable, since it is my father's house I want to feel at home instead of like an awkward dinner party guest counting the courses until I can leave. I'll admit this isn't the biggest chunk of the problem though, in the end I'm the one responsible for my relationship with God and frankly I know that I haven't been putting in hardly any effort. I find myself thinking "I wish" a lot like I'm in Into The Woods or something equally silly instead of praying about things or consulting the bible. My problem is this: When I pray I find all the right words flee my brain like it's a sinking ship and my thoughts dart in a million different directions (none of which have to do with prayer), and when I actually do bother to try and read my bible I have no idea where on earth to look and end up giving up. I know a lot of people feel this way, especially at my age. I know that doubt isn't uncommon, but I also know that it isn't right. The whole point of faith is to put your complete trust in God, and honestly I feel I'm the ye of little faith who I forget what verse refers to. I find myself trying to make bargains with God because of prayers that have gone unanswered in the past. Another thing I find myself thinking about lately is how I only talk to God when I need something, and I know how bad that makes me personally feel when people do that to me, so I really don't want to do it to him. I know it's not wrong to take your problems to him, but I want a proper relationship with him so I don't just want to go whining to him for whatever I feel I need. I mean, it's not like I'm asking for a pony or anything...But yeah, I hope you know what I mean because I'm really bad at explaining this. But what do you talk to God about? I'm not even that good with communicating with people let alone the creator of the universe! Does God really want to hear about what I had for lunch or the fact that I enjoyed spending the day watching Cooking Channel? These seem like such trivial things. Stupid things. I think he cares though. Just like anybody cares about anyone they love. I think I need to stop making bargains when I pray because all he's asking for is my trust. I know what I need to do on a big picture level, it's just a matter of figuring out how to go about doing it. Not that this is important but I can see the first hints of sunrise coming through my blinds, the light that's coming in is faint and pale and if I look hard I can seen pink in the little gaps in the blinds. It's pretty and soothing since I've had an especially restless night. It makes me feel peaceful. I think the Lord is telling me to get some rest for now. Until next time, gang. Much Love, Gabby
I am one of those people who feels very accomplished when I get certain ordinary tasks done. Most of the time these things are not the greatest feats but I still find myself feeling proud. Since I last wrote I have finished reading Paddington, finally made my way through the last few hundred pages of Inkspell (which I've been reading on and off since October), and polished off the third volume of Bleach. Now though I glow with pride I find myself with a dilemma and that is deciding what to read next. Do I go in for a reread so I can finally read the books I got for Christmas (both of which are the last in a series)? Do I read The Wind And The Willows which I've had sitting on my top bookshelf for about a year now and keep forgetting I own? Perhaps I could attempt begging my parents to take me to the library so I can check out some of the books I've found online that I'm dying to read. I just don't know. Indecision is one of the many plagues of my existence. "Why don't you just read them all?" you ask. Well, dear readers, ever since I started on chapter books I tend to not be able to read more than one book at once in good conscience, I always feel like I'm cheating on the first book. Also the stories tend to get all mixed up in my brain and I'll get the plot of book A mixed up with the plot of book B. When I feel indecisive like this I usually just end up not reading anything. Let me tell you a thing: I always have to be reading something, when I'm not I feel like my brain is slowly turning to mush. When I'm not reading I tend to be moody... I find myself not writing as well, I like to think of books as caffeine for my muse and we all know how certain people can't function without coffee. Books tend to effect my behavior in the oddest ways as well; when I read Narnia I find myself unintentionally talking with a British accent, when I was small and read The Secret Garden for the first time I had a strong desire to get outside and breathe in all that good fresh air. I could go on and on, most things have a more subtle influence on me though. People say that what you read in your younger years will shape who you become when you're older, your tastes, your behavior, etc; but I think that there's not really an age limit to this sort of thing, I believe that stories continue to mold us all our lives. I find stories as much of a necessity to my survival as food and water. I feel I could write forever and never express how much books mean to me. I love the sense of comradery between people who enjoy have the same stories, I love hearing people talk about their favorite books with light in their eyes...So yeah, when I'm going through a reading rut as I am right now I feel sort of cut off from all of that, like a windup toy with a piece missing not functioning as it should. Usually after finishing a book for the first time I allow myself a three day mourning period to allow my brain to fully leave the story's universe, so tonight is for thinking and tomorrow decisions. That's it for now, hopefully the next entry will be about something besides books but I won't make any promises I can't keep. Much Love, Gabby
Hi, my name is Gabby and I am an escapist. I will turn to almost anything for a moments relief from the pressures of simply existing. If I go in for a reread you can usually tell why if you chose to examine it. Currently I'm still making my way through Paddington (I haven't had much time for reading lately) and I find myself wanting to reread more of my old childhood favorites. I feel like this is because this is the year that society has deemed the end of my childhood all together. I'm expected to get a job, go to college, know what I want to do with my life...It's many a weight on my shoulders. As long as I've been reading it's been a means of anxiety relief. Reading about people who went on great adventures and overcame impossible circumstances soothed my turbulent soul. Even just books with more realistic setting that were just slightly more idealistic than the cards I'd been dealt. I will say this though, books have always left me with a great sense of longing, for friendship when I had no one to turn to, for adventure when things were dull, and simply for opportunities for happiness when every proverbial door I knocked on seemed to be locked. The last is really what I find myself craving lately, all I really want out of life right now is a few open doors; some happiness and a little stability for a change. Seriously, if my life were a building it'd be made of Jenga pieces. Lately reading hasn't provided the same comfort it used to and that makes me really sad, I feel like I've lost an alley in the war on feelings. My love of reading has become a part of identity over the years, ask anyone I know about me and they're likely to say two things, "She's quiet and she loves to read"; if my books comforting arms loosen their hold on my heart perminately I feel like I'll have lost a little piece of myself. The voice of reason tells me that maybe if I took better care of myself I wouldn't feel so crappy about everything all the time, "Go to bed earlier, take your vitamins, go out in the sun for a change" that kinda thing. At the same time I hear certain stories calling to me like sirens to a sailor claiming that they're the solution to all my worldly woes. I feel like they're both right, what I really need is to find balance. How I go about doing that I have no idea. That's it for now, sorry this entry was so angsty. Until next time, gang. Much Love, Gabby
