Wishes

Lately I've been thinking about wishes a lot. Wishes are an odd concept, we pour out our hearts desires to things like birthday candles, and eyelashes, stars that are both shooting and stationary...Heck, I even have a cousin who told me she makes a wish every time she wears a necklace and has to readjust it. My birthday was last month and I found myself wishing for just plain happiness and for everything to be okay, whatever "okay" implies. I've never truly believed that blowing out candles or sending  dandelion puffs flying or anything like that had any real effect on my life, and yet here I am at around 6 AM with this subject pressing on my mind. As a Christian I know I shouldn't be putting my faith in of this world things to get somewhere, I should take my needs to God, I should pour out my heart to him, lay my burden at his feet; all that other stuff in old hymns and Psalms that got turned into Hillsong chart-toppers. But I don't. Truth be told I have serious communication issues when it comes to God. I know I probably haven't mentioned my beliefs before now, and I really should have. Instead of looking to books and things to free me of my problems I should be going straight to God like I've been brought up to. But I don't. Now I've been an official Christian Christian since age 5 when I said a little prayer giving my heart to Jesus on a car ride to the beach, but I've never really been the best at talking to him. In stressful times I've often felt like I'm screaming at the ceiling or that my prayers are falling on deaf ears. I've questioned why Jesus has let certain things happen...But I really and truly believe in him. I don't expect any comments like this but I don't want anyone telling me that what I believe is wrong or saying I should put my faith in something else. I believe in God, and sometimes I do have my doubts, but I have to remind myself that he doesn't want things things to happen to me, they just do. I feel like since God is the king of everything and I'm his child it's like I'm in a novel; I'm the princess who circumstance has been left in a bad situation separated from her father and the world is doing everything it can to keep us apart. I think part of the disconnect I'm feeling has to do with the fact that I'm churchless at the moment. I left the one I'd been going to since I could remember last year because they got too commercial for my liking and I didn't feel like the youth group was the right fit for me (to be honest it felt a bit toxic, but that's high school for ya), and now that my parents go to a different church that's smaller I don't feel it's the right fit for me either. Our old church got too big for me, I felt like just another sit filled, like the place had outgrown me. This new church (which isn't actually new, my parents have been going since last summer) feels a bit...off. If that makes any sense. But yeah, I haven't really been to church since I left youth group almost exactly a year ago. I feel that a good church is really important, I need to find somewhere I can be comfortable, since it is my father's house I want to feel at home instead of like an awkward dinner party guest counting the courses until I can leave. I'll admit this isn't the biggest chunk of the problem though, in the end I'm the one responsible for my relationship with God and frankly I know that I haven't been putting in hardly any effort. I find myself thinking "I wish" a lot like I'm in Into The Woods or something equally silly instead of praying about things or consulting the bible. My problem is this: When I pray I find all the right words flee my brain like it's a sinking ship and my thoughts dart in a million different directions (none of which have to do with prayer), and when I actually do bother to try and read my bible I have no idea where on earth to look and end up giving up. I know a lot of people feel this way, especially at my age. I know that doubt isn't uncommon, but I also know that it isn't right. The whole point of faith is to put your complete trust in God, and honestly I feel I'm the ye of little faith who I forget what verse refers to. I find myself trying to make bargains with God because of prayers that have gone unanswered in the past. Another thing I find myself thinking about lately is how I only talk to God when I need something, and I know how bad that makes me personally feel when people do that to me, so I really don't want to do it to him. I know it's not wrong to take your problems to him, but I want a proper relationship with him so I don't just want to go whining to him for whatever I feel I need. I mean, it's not like I'm asking for a pony or anything...But yeah, I hope you know what I mean because I'm really bad at explaining this. But what do you talk to God about? I'm not even that good with communicating with people let alone the creator of the universe! Does God really want to hear about what I had for lunch or the fact that I enjoyed spending the day watching Cooking Channel? These seem like such trivial things. Stupid things. I think he cares though. Just like anybody cares about anyone they love. I think I need to stop making bargains when I pray because all he's asking for is my trust. I know what I need to do on a big picture level, it's just a matter of figuring out how to go about doing it. Not that this is important but I can see the first hints of sunrise coming through my blinds, the light that's coming in is faint and pale and if I look hard I can seen pink in the little gaps in the blinds. It's pretty and soothing since I've had an especially restless night. It makes me feel peaceful. I think the Lord is telling me to get some rest for now. Until next time, gang. Much Love, Gabby